From a Christian perspective, which I don’t believe you share, but I’ll leave here in case it interests any of your other readers: this piece has me reflecting on women’s role being a symbol of Christ. Sure, he was a man in the flesh but in terms of role, in terms of the cross? It’s more represented by the job of the earthly woman. To give herself so that others might live. And a Christian culture that cannot truly honor and center earthly women (in the beautiful way you do in this piece) perhaps cannot fully understand what it means to honor and center Christ. . .him who “through him all things were made” and yet who was meek, suffered and died.
How would American, even global Christianity shift if we truly honored women; how much more open would we truly be to God?
I so appreciate your words here. As someone who was raised in the Catholic tradition but no longer practices, this perspective helps me relate to the Jesus story in a way that I can better appreciate. Jesus as the embodiment of motherpower? Now that's radical! Will keep chewing on that one. May the many churches of the world connect the dots in the way you are here for me!
Good insights! As Catholics, we honor Mary as the very highest of all the saints. She is the Mother of Jesus and He named her as our Mother too. It is a powerful reminder of the great dignity of motherhood.
I’ve been saying for a long time that we can’t really dismantle toxic masculinity without offering an alternative model for how to be a man. Thank you for doing that work. It’s deeply important.
Toxic masculinity is something men AND women demonstrate, as is toxic femininity - it’s basically animus and anima possession surely. Using the term to describe only male behavior seems unbalanced, sexist and backward to me.
Anyway the suggested alternative to toxic masculinity (which you have redefined as specifically a “man” problem) here seems to be that men should become a sort of servant class to women.
But that’s not the answer either.
Non serviam. Equal rights, equal lights: my light shines as brightly as yours, no more, no less.
You’re reading a lot into my words that aren’t there, but I’m guessing you’re here largely to make the whataboutism point that there is “toxic femininity” in an attempt to say “both sides do it so no one should be held to account for anything.”
And that’s straight up cow puckey.
My suggestion that men need a new model did not imply the new model has to be subservience. You’re presuming that one gender must be “on top,” that there must be hierarchy for there to be order. That’s traditional patriarchy and toxic masculinity thinking in action.
I’m actually suggesting something more along the lines of “power with” as opposed to “power over” structures. I’m sure you’re capable of doing your homework there, if you’re genuinely interested in what alternative social power structures to patriarchy and toxic masculinity look like.
Sure, women have from time immemorial been supporters of toxic masculinity and patriarchy by providing cover for men who work injury in the name of their manhood. They do it because they buy into the false promise of “protection” that is really about giving up their ability to make decisions for themselves and control their own resources.
And yes, in a society where the person most likely to murder a woman is the man she’s in a relationship with, where women earn less for the same job, are harassed with impunity and where the state can tell her she can’t control her own body, toxic masculinity IS a man problem. Because when your buddy in a bar is acting the fool and starting some shit, the guys he’s with need to “come get their boy” before it all hits the fan.
If you think men acting toxic is MY job to fix you are mistaken. Y’all need to come get your boys. That’s part of why I admire what Andrew is doing so much. He’s taking responsibility for how his manhood is defined in the larger world and trying to make it better. He’s not equivocating, deflecting and making excuses for men so he can pass through life complacent and unchallenged.
But sure,stay on the sidelines, with your feeble whataboutism if you like. Just stay out of the way of the grownups who are busy working to make things better.
And before you come back all angry and with your knickers in a knot because how dare I, (because that’s what patriarchy and toxic masculinity has taught you to do when a woman talks back to you) I’m going to tell you flat: you’ll get no more from me than you already have. I’m not interested in giving any more of my precious time or energy to you.
This is both reductive and incorrect. I think maybe you should look a bit further into this. I don't have the time to lay it all out for you but what I will say as a jumping off point for you is that it is a flat structure. No hierarchy.
okay, i was just going from the etymology of the word and the Collins definition, but I take your point. I must say though that a flat structure with no hierarchy sounds like a recipe for absolute disaster. Those are my intuitions but I am happy to read about it though and to change my mind.
If you’re describing some sort of egalitarian commune-type society, then maybe it needs a new name - “matriarchy” sounds like “rule by women” or by mothers or by female elders.
Wonderful insight! It brings back memories—specifically of both my pregnancies and childbirths, when my then-husband (a chiropractor with a serious case of Dr. Envy) transformed into a one-man expert panel on obstetrics. He dashed around like a white-coated tornado, instructing everyone—including me—on the “correct” way to give birth. When both deliveries ended in C-sections, he graciously informed me that I had simply done it wrong. According to him, if we’d all just listened to Dr. Him, I would have delivered like a textbook case. Apparently, even the birth of his children wasn’t enough to shift the spotlight away from his need to be the center of the universe…. Sigh
Thanks for sharing this story here, Betsy. The more we can here stories like this, the more hope we have of making a world where men do not have to do it like that. So appreciate your generosity here.
This was beautiful and profound. I have never seen a man write about childbirth like this. I want to hear it read out loud and listen to it when times are tough. It looks like Tana had a beautiful homebirth! Congratulations to you both. My homebirth was probably the coolest thing I've ever done. (shared the story on here if you're interested)
Thanks, Leah. You're inspiring me to record this and post it the audio retroactively. I'll get along to it when baby boy allows! And yes, please do share your birth story here, link?
Thank you for this. Very thought provoking post on the mother although I would argue that focusing on that as a function is limiting. In my experience all women are birthing all the time, the people around us, our communities, it is what we ARE. We are creators by our nature and we don’t celebrate that aspect of our society (actually the female both creates AND destroys in order to create again). We celebrate destruction because frankly the patriarchy cannot deal and so it would rather destroy. Full stop. No beyond the destruction. I wish that we could celebrate the divine feminine, that we can make everything about creating and life. And get out of the way of the Mother because she is bad ass. And she will come for you.
Andrew, thank you for sharing all of you in this writing. I don't know many men who are willing to admit their errors, let alone take responsibility for them (e.g. scalding water on mate). Especially in such a public manner. It makes me wonder what this world would be like for women (and men) if there were more male experiences and awareness such as yours.
I'm so grateful for your mother and her influence upon the man you became, and for Tana, who is giving you the opportunity to learn and perfect being a supportive mate. Keep on sharing please!
Stunning. Thank you for this, Andrew, on the most sacred of days. Will be sharing with my boys when they are so fortunate to call themselves dads. May this reach many and help to heal our world. xo
This is so good.
From a Christian perspective, which I don’t believe you share, but I’ll leave here in case it interests any of your other readers: this piece has me reflecting on women’s role being a symbol of Christ. Sure, he was a man in the flesh but in terms of role, in terms of the cross? It’s more represented by the job of the earthly woman. To give herself so that others might live. And a Christian culture that cannot truly honor and center earthly women (in the beautiful way you do in this piece) perhaps cannot fully understand what it means to honor and center Christ. . .him who “through him all things were made” and yet who was meek, suffered and died.
How would American, even global Christianity shift if we truly honored women; how much more open would we truly be to God?
I so appreciate your words here. As someone who was raised in the Catholic tradition but no longer practices, this perspective helps me relate to the Jesus story in a way that I can better appreciate. Jesus as the embodiment of motherpower? Now that's radical! Will keep chewing on that one. May the many churches of the world connect the dots in the way you are here for me!
Good insights! As Catholics, we honor Mary as the very highest of all the saints. She is the Mother of Jesus and He named her as our Mother too. It is a powerful reminder of the great dignity of motherhood.
Thank you, Andrew, for making me a mom and teaching me so much. Grateful for these words as we all re-member our first home:)
I’ve been saying for a long time that we can’t really dismantle toxic masculinity without offering an alternative model for how to be a man. Thank you for doing that work. It’s deeply important.
So appreciate this encouragement, Alythia. Thank you.
Toxic masculinity is something men AND women demonstrate, as is toxic femininity - it’s basically animus and anima possession surely. Using the term to describe only male behavior seems unbalanced, sexist and backward to me.
Anyway the suggested alternative to toxic masculinity (which you have redefined as specifically a “man” problem) here seems to be that men should become a sort of servant class to women.
But that’s not the answer either.
Non serviam. Equal rights, equal lights: my light shines as brightly as yours, no more, no less.
You’re reading a lot into my words that aren’t there, but I’m guessing you’re here largely to make the whataboutism point that there is “toxic femininity” in an attempt to say “both sides do it so no one should be held to account for anything.”
And that’s straight up cow puckey.
My suggestion that men need a new model did not imply the new model has to be subservience. You’re presuming that one gender must be “on top,” that there must be hierarchy for there to be order. That’s traditional patriarchy and toxic masculinity thinking in action.
I’m actually suggesting something more along the lines of “power with” as opposed to “power over” structures. I’m sure you’re capable of doing your homework there, if you’re genuinely interested in what alternative social power structures to patriarchy and toxic masculinity look like.
Sure, women have from time immemorial been supporters of toxic masculinity and patriarchy by providing cover for men who work injury in the name of their manhood. They do it because they buy into the false promise of “protection” that is really about giving up their ability to make decisions for themselves and control their own resources.
And yes, in a society where the person most likely to murder a woman is the man she’s in a relationship with, where women earn less for the same job, are harassed with impunity and where the state can tell her she can’t control her own body, toxic masculinity IS a man problem. Because when your buddy in a bar is acting the fool and starting some shit, the guys he’s with need to “come get their boy” before it all hits the fan.
If you think men acting toxic is MY job to fix you are mistaken. Y’all need to come get your boys. That’s part of why I admire what Andrew is doing so much. He’s taking responsibility for how his manhood is defined in the larger world and trying to make it better. He’s not equivocating, deflecting and making excuses for men so he can pass through life complacent and unchallenged.
But sure,stay on the sidelines, with your feeble whataboutism if you like. Just stay out of the way of the grownups who are busy working to make things better.
And before you come back all angry and with your knickers in a knot because how dare I, (because that’s what patriarchy and toxic masculinity has taught you to do when a woman talks back to you) I’m going to tell you flat: you’ll get no more from me than you already have. I’m not interested in giving any more of my precious time or energy to you.
Go in peace child. Mama’s done with you now.
The idea that you can get rid of power and hierarchy is a fantasy. And when it’s been attempted historically millions of people die.
Matriarchy benefits everyone.
so we’re not going to do equality after all then?
You do know Matriarchy isn't an inversion of Patriarchy right?
matriarchy - a system of society or government ruled by a woman or women.
This is both reductive and incorrect. I think maybe you should look a bit further into this. I don't have the time to lay it all out for you but what I will say as a jumping off point for you is that it is a flat structure. No hierarchy.
okay, i was just going from the etymology of the word and the Collins definition, but I take your point. I must say though that a flat structure with no hierarchy sounds like a recipe for absolute disaster. Those are my intuitions but I am happy to read about it though and to change my mind.
If you’re describing some sort of egalitarian commune-type society, then maybe it needs a new name - “matriarchy” sounds like “rule by women” or by mothers or by female elders.
or?
Wonderful insight! It brings back memories—specifically of both my pregnancies and childbirths, when my then-husband (a chiropractor with a serious case of Dr. Envy) transformed into a one-man expert panel on obstetrics. He dashed around like a white-coated tornado, instructing everyone—including me—on the “correct” way to give birth. When both deliveries ended in C-sections, he graciously informed me that I had simply done it wrong. According to him, if we’d all just listened to Dr. Him, I would have delivered like a textbook case. Apparently, even the birth of his children wasn’t enough to shift the spotlight away from his need to be the center of the universe…. Sigh
Thanks for sharing this story here, Betsy. The more we can here stories like this, the more hope we have of making a world where men do not have to do it like that. So appreciate your generosity here.
This was an incredible read!!! As a mom of two and doula I am so impressed with your perspective! I need all men and support people to read this!!!
This was beautiful and profound. I have never seen a man write about childbirth like this. I want to hear it read out loud and listen to it when times are tough. It looks like Tana had a beautiful homebirth! Congratulations to you both. My homebirth was probably the coolest thing I've ever done. (shared the story on here if you're interested)
Thanks, Leah. You're inspiring me to record this and post it the audio retroactively. I'll get along to it when baby boy allows! And yes, please do share your birth story here, link?
here you go! https://open.substack.com/pub/leaham/p/fast-but-peaceful-home-birth-story
Thank you for this. Very thought provoking post on the mother although I would argue that focusing on that as a function is limiting. In my experience all women are birthing all the time, the people around us, our communities, it is what we ARE. We are creators by our nature and we don’t celebrate that aspect of our society (actually the female both creates AND destroys in order to create again). We celebrate destruction because frankly the patriarchy cannot deal and so it would rather destroy. Full stop. No beyond the destruction. I wish that we could celebrate the divine feminine, that we can make everything about creating and life. And get out of the way of the Mother because she is bad ass. And she will come for you.
Amen, awomen, or as a friend of ours says, awomb.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, there’s much that resonates with me!
Andrew, thank you for sharing all of you in this writing. I don't know many men who are willing to admit their errors, let alone take responsibility for them (e.g. scalding water on mate). Especially in such a public manner. It makes me wonder what this world would be like for women (and men) if there were more male experiences and awareness such as yours.
I'm so grateful for your mother and her influence upon the man you became, and for Tana, who is giving you the opportunity to learn and perfect being a supportive mate. Keep on sharing please!
Thank you so much for this encouragement, Jennifer. I do hesitate sometimes before publishing here, so, truly, your words stoke the courage.
You have restored my faith that there is one man alive who is *even trying* to see women as people. Thank you. I’ve been looking for awhile
It's definitely not just me. We are out here. But/and thank you for seeing me. Helps me see myself.
The future of humanity depends on our evolution away from violence and coercive control. Enlightenment is its own reward
15 years as a homebirth midwife. I'm still in awe.
Stunning. Thank you for this, Andrew, on the most sacred of days. Will be sharing with my boys when they are so fortunate to call themselves dads. May this reach many and help to heal our world. xo
This is exceptional! Thoughtful, engaging, inspiring, revolutionary, and amusing! Well done, and thank you.
As a mom of three, I thank you for your words. It’s one of the first times I’ve felt seen in something written by a man.
I'm really moved to hear this, Nutan. Thank you. And thank you for your three kiddos!
This is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read. Thank you.
Wow, damn. Thanks for sharing that, Kara.
Paul Bunyan’s epic VBAC .. you have a way with words my friend.
and such a beautiful read and tribute to the mother. birth really is such a trip. i thoroughly enjoyed your perspective
Paul Bunyan's epic VBAC might be my favorite line in this. Glad you liked it, too! Thank you.